Enough is Enough

I'm in my forties. Divorced. Single. I have a Tween child whom I shall call "Sunshine". I have an ex whom I shall call "Retro".

I apparently also have an unconditionally loving, universal friend called the Law of Attraction. I call it Lola, Law Of Loving Attraction, just 'cause it's kinda clever. To me.

I want to be happy.

Lately that hasn't been so easy.

But I beleive in my heart that it shouldn't be so hard either.

I came across the Lola a few years ago and was immediately and powerfully struck. Suddenly the world made such sense! I was moved, inspired! I grabbed hold of and sucked up all I could in books, tapes, CDs, movies, everything that I could get my hands on. I felt happy. I felt relief. The answers had finally come.

But....

Oh, but...

Practical application is a whole different ballgame, isn't it?

Certainly there were times, undeniable times when it was so so so clear. The most profound were the times when I "let go", when I had just pushed so hard I couldn't push any more and had to just let it all go. Then lo and behold, something would happen, something extraordinary. Something extraordinarily good. It was undeniable.

So, you'd think I could take this and run with it, right?

Nope. I'd fall right into old patterns again...whatever they were...and find myself slumped, or impatient or panicky or angry or all of the above at once.

So now...now I've gotten myself into a bit of a well...I'm not very happy. I lost it. I lost myself again. And in the process may lose my car, if not my house. The same house that I share with my mom who is subsidizing me as I try to bring in an income as a writer. "Retro" has become a total thorn in my side. I have gained weight and am not entirely comfortable with how my body feels. I harbor a fear of losing my looks as I am getting older and get scared that I will not be able to attract a nice mate.

The future has potential to be grim indeed.

But one thing I know is that the universe is an equal balance of what is wanted and what is not wanted. So, in other words, the future has potential to be grand too!

And that's what this blog is about.

I have grasped the idea of Lola and the universe and the fact that it is up to me to align with them and be happy. I have considered that no one else is responsible for my happiness but me and that it is my constant attention to negative observations and thoughts that keeps me from the love, joy and freedom that I want.

But do I truly believe it? Do I KNOW it? 'Cause that's the crux isn't it? That's the difference between happiness and unhappiness. To know it and live it or to sigh and think it's a great idea.

Well, this day I intend to find out. I want to be one of those happy flitty people over there who are living it. I want to be a believer. And what that means is...

I want it to work for me!

Damn it!

Ahem. The Happy Trek. My Search For Proof Amongst the Laws of the Universe.

I will be working with the teachings of Abraham-Hicks (AH), whom I have deemed is the Law of Attraction expert. And inspirational to boot, which is what I'm thinking I will need more than anything.

I want to be happy. Once and for all. And this, the Happy Trek shall be my inner voice along the way. I shall apply everything I can to the practice of the universal laws and search for proof in every second of my day. So, that in the end, it works for me.

The Happy Trek is my journey into happiness. Back into happiness.

To begin.

Well I know where I stand. At least on the negative side. But one of the first and most powerful things that AH says to do is 'make peace with where you are'.

So, today, this first day of my happy trek I am about to make peace with where I am.

Here goes:

Sure I'm living on credit cards and they are almost entirely maxed out, totalling tens of thousands of dollars but I do believe in and love my work and trust that when you do what you love the money will come. Further, when you do what you love, all good things come.

And by me continuing along this path I am able to continue to home school Sunshine, which is something we both love and enjoy. It also allows me to continue to write and sell my books. And if I hadn't sold so many books I wouldn't have found my agent. In New York no less! Okay, the amount of books sold didn't really affect her, but the confidence I had after selling so many books definitely allowed me to contact her.

This is hard. And I'm not sure if it's working. As I write this out I can hear the voices of commentors in my head saying "go get a day job, you bum" and "oh, yeah well I know a ton of people that maxed out their credit cards too and ended up losing everything they own! It doesn't work, loser and if it does, you just got lucky".

And so I find that as I'm writing this, I'm in defense mode. I'm trying to justify what I'm living, which according to AH is resistance and resistance is not in alignment and alignment is not allowing and not allowing is not on the path to joy and well being.

The point of my trek is to follow my bliss. And that means trusting that this choice of mine, this path I am on, that encompasses so many things that are important to me, will not only work but will prove to me that I really can have it all.

And I am willling to be my own guinea pig. Because I want that more than anything. Don't you? To be able to have it all.

And now I am hearing other voices "oh, you can have it all, you just have to work your ass off for it!", "No pain, no gain", "you can't always get what you want" and "You can't get something for nothing. lazy arse!"

But AH says you can. Lola says you can. And I'm willing to find that out for myself.

AH says the road to happiness is through your feelings. If you feel good, you are aligned with the universe. And when you are aligned with the universe, all good things come to you.

And so, dear voices, including my own, I say to you "I am happiest being at home with my little Sunshine, teaching her and appreciating her and waking up early to write in the mornings before she gets up. I am happiest in the freedom of being my own boss. I am happiest having time to manage my household and walk my dogs. I am happiest doing what I'm doing right now. This feels like the best choice to me. "

Man that felt good. So good. In fact I just realized that I had been harboring all those other negative thoughts for a loooooong time and, according to AH that is what keeps good things from you-thinking and feeling negatively.

Hmmm....

To continue. So I'm okay with living off credit cards right now. I'm okay that most of them are mom's because she says it's an investment and that it feels good to give to me when during most of our growing up she was unable to.

Hang on. This doesn't feel good. I'm not able to make peace with it as easily. I feel like I'm a free loader. Like I'm using her money to go after some stupid pipe dream. That I'm taking away from her long-awaited financial freedom.

This is when AH suggests a Focus Wheel. You write across the top of a page the thing that you DON'T want and in a circle in the middle of the page you write what you DO want. And then all around, like numbers on a clock you put circles. In these circles you write anything that makes you feel a bit better about it. It's all about how you feel.

So, here goes:

Well, I do know that it does make her feel good to give to me what she never could before.

Nope, not working. I'm going to go ask her.

Okay, just got back. She said she is still happy supporting me because she believes in my book and also because she thinks I am very close to success with it. This is admittedly true in that the manuscript has gone to an editor at Harper Collins. But that was in May and it is now September. I can't help but think that it has been my financial worry and guilt that has kept an appraisal and potential offer at bay.

According to AH, that is law. If I worry about money, Lola will bring me what I think about most....more worry about money. Money can't come to me if I'm predominantly feeling negatively about it.

So....it's not about mom, it's about making peace...with money.

Back to the Focus Wheel.

Top of page: Money is just not coming. We're running out.
Centre of page: I sooooo love the easy flow of lots of money to me.

1. I so love the feel of easy happy spending, the freedom and fun of it.
2. I love the feeling of paying bills off, the joy of it, the thankfulness and responsibility of it. I can't wait for the day when I will pay off each credit card...next...next :)
3. I love the freedom of spending on others with parties. The decorations, the great food and music. Splurging on a caterer or a fun, girls spa night.
4. I love, love, love paying ofr trips. Getting that flight reciept. The excitement. I love that!
5. I love being able to buy unique, fun and pretty things, especially for Christmas and Halloween and other holidays. I love dressing of the house with Sunshine!
6. I love the feeling of money flowing to me...the cheque coming in, putting it into my bank account.
7. I love making more money than I thought I would...like a big boost in pay. I love moving into a new, bigger pay bracket. It makes me feel excited and more accomplished.
8. I am so grateful that I have predominantly been able to still keep this house and live well, even if it's through credit cards. I'm grateful that I haven't suffered a lot of physical loss that would it harder to feel good about things.
9. I'm glad that mom is going to feel even more proud to have been a part of this book process and can't wait to pay off all our bills.
10. I am glad knowing that she is thrilled about the book and so believing in it and I can't wait to share the success with her.
11. I'm glad that she is a compliant force in this co-creation and getting as much out of it as I am.
12. I can't wail until we take that trip on the Queen Mary :)
13. I'm so grateful that Sunshine is experiencing this and will be able to apply it when she's out in the world.
14. I'm glad that this is all going to work out so splendidly.
15. I can't wait for the flow of money to return to me, the big, fat cheques, the buying of fun, great stuff. I love the flow of it. The give and take. The energy of it.
16. I love knowing that I am supporting so many creative people by buying their products and services.
17 I love the variety of goods and services we have access to. How lucky we are!
18. I love that my book will be wonderful fun for readers and can't wait for the onslaught of emails and lineups! I can't wait to share it! Can't wait!

Whew! That felt awesome!

So I didn't do anything to change my circumstances. I simply got myself feeling better about money when I think about it. I took my mind from the negative aspect of money and focussed on the positive aspect of it. According to AH that's all I need to do. Of course I know I have to maintain that feeling so that it becomes my dominant vibe. But that focus wheel really helped. I'd been feeling that lack so long that I forgot how great it felt when I had money coming in. And man it feels great! I love the feeling.

So, now I'm going to end this first blog. Right here. Feeling good.

Yes, there are other things to make peace with (Retro for one) but I will save them for tomorrow.

And in the meantime, as I make my way along this trek, I shall journal everything that happens. Everything.

AH says I will see evidence in the first day.

This is going to be fun.

signed,
me