I want to feel good. I want to feel good! I want to feel good!
Yesterday kinda sucked....in the feeling department. I know I expanded and learned more clearly what I didn't and therefore did want.
But it was a frustrating day. As it should have been. I'd gone to bed a bit frustrated with my scheduling for the next day. I was feeling the pressure to write but unable to do it because of Sunshine's new class in the morning. Then I kept getting woken up. That was when I got really cranky.
Not a good way to fall asleep. When one falls asleep that way, one usually wakes up that way. Which I did.
So, I didn't bask. I didn't list positive aspects. I didn't focus wheel. There was 'too much to do'. So, when I went to clean out the ice in the fridge that I was selling, I poked a hole right in the freon chamber and basically killed the fridge. And lost $40. I was so mad. I'd been counting on that $50. So, I got all pissy and stayed that way for awhile, rushing about madly, trying to get the car packed with bottles for the depot, clothes for consignment etc.
And that was how my day was. I tried to meditate in the early afternoon but couldn't swing it.
Gradually the day got ab it better. But I can't say I was happy.
Not as happy as the day before. Remember when I say AH says I will see evidence in one day. Well, as I got myself feeling all happy around money, lo and behold, I suddenly got some money that had been owed to me! $156! I was thrilled!
So, why couldn't I hold that! Why couldn't I focus there?! I got $156 bucks and then I got all pissy around losing $50. I guess I was pissy before I killed the fridge and only got pissier when it happened. Moreso, I got mad at myself for slipping, for letting things get to me and then, when I saw the manifestational results, I got even more mad.
The good thing is that I saw the correlation. I mean, right away. When AH says you can see results in a day, they were right! Both good and bad results!
So, I went to bed last night with better intentions, though still feeling less than stellar about my scheduling. So, this morning, I want to feel good about it and bring it into my day.
This is what's bugging me:
1. This new schedule takes away a writing morning for me.
2. Now that I have been given notes from the HP editor I want to write with all of the morning,which means no workout.
3. So, when am I supposed to work out?
4. And now that we're back in a routine, I want to have more time to make supper, not rush around last minute. Especially with all the evening classes planned.
5. And what about just home stuff...cleaning, get the windshield repaired, winterize the yard, get my shoes fixed etc
4. If I do this stuff in the day, when do I fit in Sunshine's homeschooling?
Okay, so there it is.
Not to mention a twinge of anger toward Retro for demanding this new schedule! Which gets me more mad 'cause I'd done the focus wheel on him and was feeling better.
Ugh.
This is harder than I thought. No, wrong thought. This takes more practice than I thought. Duh. Only every day, all day.
But I can do it. I know I can. I want to. So bad!
Okay, so...well, I know that at this red hot minute I don't have to DO anything. I just have to feel better about it. So, here it goes:
Top of page: I'm stressed about how to get everything done in a day.
Centre: I move through my day with ease and feelings of accomplishment all day long.
1. I do know that things never take as long as I think they will. So, the book and the script are not such overwhelming undertakings.
2. I don know that it will all work out fine. It always does.
3. I am so grateful that I have flexibility to move things around if need be.
4. I do love my Sunshine and was so happy to see her enjoying her new school books, especially the science experiments. Those will be such fun to do!
5. I love having nice, easy, leisurely time at the end of the day to snuggle up with Sunshine and read our favorite books. I love her excitement to read them.
6. I love the idea of a great work out where I have time to stretch all my muscles and I can feel the joy in body. I love stretching!
7. I love walking the dogs. I just love it. Especially in the fall when leaves are brilliant and the air is crisp and the geese and ducks are everywhere.
8. I love the idea of homecooked meals. Fun, different meals that I have leisured over lovingly.
9. I love the idea of singing, full out. Feeling my vocal chords expand as I reach for higher and lower notes. I love knowing my voice is preparing to work again. I love the idea of being back on stage, belting out a great song!
10. I love watching Sunshine bounce from one fun activity to the next, jsut full out happy and I wonder if that's what could work for me...just doing things as they feel fun and eliminating the rigidity of scheduling them. That would be nice. I somehow feel that my days would be energized more...
11. I have a great life really. I have so much. So much.
12. I feel great knowing I am embarking on new things that will bring so much joy and satisfaction to my life.
13. I feel lucky.
14. I am lucky.
Aaaaaahhhhh....
And as to Retro,
1. I know that he is willing to hear Sunshine and try to make things better for her.
2. He really is a great lesson in 'letting go' of control and realigning. Seriously he is. I love the feeling of sighing as I realize I can't change him. The relaxing of my shoulders, the loosening of my muscles, the letting go of and re-focussing on things that make me happy.
3. He did choose a great family for Sunshine. She loves them all. And that makes me very happy.
4. I see us happy in our own separate lives, with friendly communication about Sunshine. 5. I see us happy in our own separate lives, with friendly communication about Sunshine.
6. I see us happy in our own separate lives, with friendly communication about Sunshine.
I love that idea. Happy inour own lives, with friendly communication about Sunshine.
Now that feels good.
Yay!
from
Me
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Since I'm on a roll...
I'm feeling pretty good so a few other things just came to me that make me feel even better.
Yesterday, I ran into some friends as I was jogging along the lake. I was happy to see them as they are a nice family and in particular one of the kids is a good friend of Sunshine's. But as soon as I started talking to my friend, her mom, I felt bombarded by her negative energy. It instantly reminded me of how she always complains about how busy she is and the lack of time and this and that.
The good thing is that I don't really let that get to me other than making a mental note not to spend too much time with her. But yesterday it dawned on me that by thinking even that I was, according to AH literally evoking negativity from her and moreover, drawing more of it to me in others. In other words, sure I can feign to be Little Miss Positive, but the second I am unable to see the same in others, I am far from. And in fact, attracting negative to me. Wow. When I realized that I realized that I always focus on others' negativity. I do it in a way that makes me feel detached and actually better about myself. I see them as not really trying and wonder if they only knew how negative they were and how they were creating more of it in their lives by focussing on it.
And yet here I was focussing on theirs! Sure, I wasn't pointing it out. And I wasn't getting dragged into 'bitch sessions'. But so what! I was looking at their negativity. Only their negativity.
Holy cow! This was big!
So, in my head I made a list of positive aspects of my friend and her family. And the thign is I remembered that she got excited when I talked about going Salsa dancing. She lit up! And she thought it would be fun to go! She, who I had pegged as not doing anything for herself had told me it would be fun to go!
And she always looks pretty. She takes such nice care of herself, getting her nails done, her hair done. So she must like herself more than I had thought.
And her family is so rambunctiously fun! The kids are so happy and friendly and truth be told I love the chaos they brign with them. It reminds me of when I was a kid. With four of us it was always so much fun running around, especially at night. And there were seven of them! Great kids!
My friend has done a great job with them!
I am so happy to now see the positve aspects of her.
And I suspect that now I will see even more ;)
signed,
Me
p.s. a couple other things that I 'switched around':
1. Junk email isn't that bad and to be honest, had I not sent out all those flyer faxes I wouldn't have had the success I had with my product! It's a great way to connect with someone who wants just that!
2. Why did I lie in bed feeling guilty about the amount of time I spent on yesterday's blog? Hmmmm....in need of a focus wheel perhaps on time? Or maybe just a reminder of how fun it is! I opted for fun :)
Yesterday, I ran into some friends as I was jogging along the lake. I was happy to see them as they are a nice family and in particular one of the kids is a good friend of Sunshine's. But as soon as I started talking to my friend, her mom, I felt bombarded by her negative energy. It instantly reminded me of how she always complains about how busy she is and the lack of time and this and that.
The good thing is that I don't really let that get to me other than making a mental note not to spend too much time with her. But yesterday it dawned on me that by thinking even that I was, according to AH literally evoking negativity from her and moreover, drawing more of it to me in others. In other words, sure I can feign to be Little Miss Positive, but the second I am unable to see the same in others, I am far from. And in fact, attracting negative to me. Wow. When I realized that I realized that I always focus on others' negativity. I do it in a way that makes me feel detached and actually better about myself. I see them as not really trying and wonder if they only knew how negative they were and how they were creating more of it in their lives by focussing on it.
And yet here I was focussing on theirs! Sure, I wasn't pointing it out. And I wasn't getting dragged into 'bitch sessions'. But so what! I was looking at their negativity. Only their negativity.
Holy cow! This was big!
So, in my head I made a list of positive aspects of my friend and her family. And the thign is I remembered that she got excited when I talked about going Salsa dancing. She lit up! And she thought it would be fun to go! She, who I had pegged as not doing anything for herself had told me it would be fun to go!
And she always looks pretty. She takes such nice care of herself, getting her nails done, her hair done. So she must like herself more than I had thought.
And her family is so rambunctiously fun! The kids are so happy and friendly and truth be told I love the chaos they brign with them. It reminds me of when I was a kid. With four of us it was always so much fun running around, especially at night. And there were seven of them! Great kids!
My friend has done a great job with them!
I am so happy to now see the positve aspects of her.
And I suspect that now I will see even more ;)
signed,
Me
p.s. a couple other things that I 'switched around':
1. Junk email isn't that bad and to be honest, had I not sent out all those flyer faxes I wouldn't have had the success I had with my product! It's a great way to connect with someone who wants just that!
2. Why did I lie in bed feeling guilty about the amount of time I spent on yesterday's blog? Hmmmm....in need of a focus wheel perhaps on time? Or maybe just a reminder of how fun it is! I opted for fun :)
Retro
Goodest morning!
This morning I laid in bed longer and basked in appreciation, as is suggested by AH. It's funny how we so easily forget the daily routine and our joy of it. For instance, I love when my two doggies get so excited to see me wake up. Yet, lately I've been just throwing off the blankets and dragging out of bed, barely extending a pat on the head.
This morning doggie one whom I'll call "Blue" did his usual jumping off and on the bed, anxious to get the morning going, and more importantly his breakfast going. Every morning, without exception, as soon as I stir he leaps up and stands right on top of my chest. Tail wagging off the charts, staring right into my eyes like "She's up! Yay! She's up!". Then doggie 2 whom I'll call "Red" yawns and makes her way over from the pillow beside mine to lounge across whatever is left of me that Blue isn't occupying.
So, this morning I pet them. I scratched behind their ears and under Blue's neck, which he loves. I cooed 'good morning' and allowed the moment to be as long as it wanted to be. When Blue jumped off, Red simply stretched further across me and poked her cute black nose into my chin.
By the time I got up both were practically tripping over themselves in excitement.
It was a good morning. Made even better by the fact that I had given thought to:
1. How warm my bed was and how it is such a comfort to me.
2. How happy I was that the storm seemed to have blown right past us and I didn't need anything of my laid out 'storm survival gear' (earplugs, blinds etc)
3. How happy I was that I had switched to the positive aspects of the many people I had encountered yesterday. And how much better that had felt.
4. How much I was looking forward to keeping this momentum.
There were two things, however that popped up with stinging negativity. The first was "I feel fat. I ate too much. I'm bloated. I need to get back in shape". The second thing was "Retro". Anything about him. Even just picturing his face makes my stomach hot with anger and frustration.
I had put Retro on my Focus Wheel list for today but I think I will also tend to my body vibe. I know that what I put out there, a vibe of guilt and self loathing or a vibe of confidence and self loving will bring back to me more of it. And I know that I do not want to attract someone who is also self loathing so....what do I want?
I want to feel good in my physical body. I want to love it and appreciate it. I want to trust it.
Good. So...
Top of page: I feel fat and disappointed in myself for not doing anything about it.
Centre of page: See above. I want to....
1. Well, I know that I am not fat as in large. I know that it is a matter of a few pounds around the middle, maybe five, maybe ten. So, though some of my clothes are a bit tighter, most still fit comfortably and, when I get all dressed up, hair makeup etc, I know that I am attractive.
2. Weight flucuates all the time and is really not all that hard to manage.
3. I do enjoy working out. I especially love spending time stretching after cardio. I love the heat in my body and the ease with which my muscles expand. I love that.
4. I love knowing I can run with Sunshine and play with her...just not in a swimming pool
uh oh. I just flew off the wheel.
Bathing suits. Bikinis. My jelly belly. Ak!
Hmmm....
5. It's not as bad as others....? Nope. I can lose it. Nope. Pressure. Unacceptance. Hmmm...I do love lying down on a towel or a lounge and seeing that my stomache goes flat. And I can even see the pulse of my heart gently in my belly. And I love the smoothness of my skin.
Better....
6. And I do love how I feel when I am strong and lean and my wasitline is more defined.
7. And I love seeing the lean curves of my waist and tummy in the bathtub as my body aligns more with what I am wanting.
8. And I do know that my body is my friend and wants what I want and will happily adjust to bring it to me and that all I have to do is love it.
9. And I am so grateful and feel so empowered in its ability to repel sickness.
10. And my body is strong. So strong and healthy. When I breathe it feels like fresh air making its way through my whole system. Fresh air on a crisp, airy spring day.
11. And I love that my body gives me symbols of its health. Images of fresh dewy flowers opening up.
12. And I do love my hair. I've got great hair. Thick, wavy, long. And I like it best this shade of blond.
13. I know that my body will adjust to my preference without me having to do anything other than be happy. I remember when I got a job that I was so so so thrilled and excited about. Every day was a joyful challenge. I felt alive and energetic and just so happy. And without me doing anything, without me changing how or what or when I ate, without me exercising, my body slimlined into a lean little package. It felt great. I remember those black pants and that pretty pink sweater. I loved how I looked and felt in that. So fit and powerful. Happiness is power isn't it?
14. I love learning to trust my body again. I love knowing that it doesn't have to be a battle, a daily chore of pushing. I love knowing that it is just waiting for me to realign.
15. I am so so soooooo excited about my dance classes. I can't wait to start next week! And I know that this will be one of the avenues to my success.
16. I'm in no hurry. Indeed, I am enjoying still feeling sexy even with this extra weight. I am feeling womanly, which is kinda cool.
17. My body really is pretty amazing.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh.
Well, I'm going to actually stop right here. In a sweet spot. I'll get to other wheels later....
....or not
:)
Me
This morning I laid in bed longer and basked in appreciation, as is suggested by AH. It's funny how we so easily forget the daily routine and our joy of it. For instance, I love when my two doggies get so excited to see me wake up. Yet, lately I've been just throwing off the blankets and dragging out of bed, barely extending a pat on the head.
This morning doggie one whom I'll call "Blue" did his usual jumping off and on the bed, anxious to get the morning going, and more importantly his breakfast going. Every morning, without exception, as soon as I stir he leaps up and stands right on top of my chest. Tail wagging off the charts, staring right into my eyes like "She's up! Yay! She's up!". Then doggie 2 whom I'll call "Red" yawns and makes her way over from the pillow beside mine to lounge across whatever is left of me that Blue isn't occupying.
So, this morning I pet them. I scratched behind their ears and under Blue's neck, which he loves. I cooed 'good morning' and allowed the moment to be as long as it wanted to be. When Blue jumped off, Red simply stretched further across me and poked her cute black nose into my chin.
By the time I got up both were practically tripping over themselves in excitement.
It was a good morning. Made even better by the fact that I had given thought to:
1. How warm my bed was and how it is such a comfort to me.
2. How happy I was that the storm seemed to have blown right past us and I didn't need anything of my laid out 'storm survival gear' (earplugs, blinds etc)
3. How happy I was that I had switched to the positive aspects of the many people I had encountered yesterday. And how much better that had felt.
4. How much I was looking forward to keeping this momentum.
There were two things, however that popped up with stinging negativity. The first was "I feel fat. I ate too much. I'm bloated. I need to get back in shape". The second thing was "Retro". Anything about him. Even just picturing his face makes my stomach hot with anger and frustration.
I had put Retro on my Focus Wheel list for today but I think I will also tend to my body vibe. I know that what I put out there, a vibe of guilt and self loathing or a vibe of confidence and self loving will bring back to me more of it. And I know that I do not want to attract someone who is also self loathing so....what do I want?
I want to feel good in my physical body. I want to love it and appreciate it. I want to trust it.
Good. So...
Top of page: I feel fat and disappointed in myself for not doing anything about it.
Centre of page: See above. I want to....
1. Well, I know that I am not fat as in large. I know that it is a matter of a few pounds around the middle, maybe five, maybe ten. So, though some of my clothes are a bit tighter, most still fit comfortably and, when I get all dressed up, hair makeup etc, I know that I am attractive.
2. Weight flucuates all the time and is really not all that hard to manage.
3. I do enjoy working out. I especially love spending time stretching after cardio. I love the heat in my body and the ease with which my muscles expand. I love that.
4. I love knowing I can run with Sunshine and play with her...just not in a swimming pool
uh oh. I just flew off the wheel.
Bathing suits. Bikinis. My jelly belly. Ak!
Hmmm....
5. It's not as bad as others....? Nope. I can lose it. Nope. Pressure. Unacceptance. Hmmm...I do love lying down on a towel or a lounge and seeing that my stomache goes flat. And I can even see the pulse of my heart gently in my belly. And I love the smoothness of my skin.
Better....
6. And I do love how I feel when I am strong and lean and my wasitline is more defined.
7. And I love seeing the lean curves of my waist and tummy in the bathtub as my body aligns more with what I am wanting.
8. And I do know that my body is my friend and wants what I want and will happily adjust to bring it to me and that all I have to do is love it.
9. And I am so grateful and feel so empowered in its ability to repel sickness.
10. And my body is strong. So strong and healthy. When I breathe it feels like fresh air making its way through my whole system. Fresh air on a crisp, airy spring day.
11. And I love that my body gives me symbols of its health. Images of fresh dewy flowers opening up.
12. And I do love my hair. I've got great hair. Thick, wavy, long. And I like it best this shade of blond.
13. I know that my body will adjust to my preference without me having to do anything other than be happy. I remember when I got a job that I was so so so thrilled and excited about. Every day was a joyful challenge. I felt alive and energetic and just so happy. And without me doing anything, without me changing how or what or when I ate, without me exercising, my body slimlined into a lean little package. It felt great. I remember those black pants and that pretty pink sweater. I loved how I looked and felt in that. So fit and powerful. Happiness is power isn't it?
14. I love learning to trust my body again. I love knowing that it doesn't have to be a battle, a daily chore of pushing. I love knowing that it is just waiting for me to realign.
15. I am so so soooooo excited about my dance classes. I can't wait to start next week! And I know that this will be one of the avenues to my success.
16. I'm in no hurry. Indeed, I am enjoying still feeling sexy even with this extra weight. I am feeling womanly, which is kinda cool.
17. My body really is pretty amazing.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh.
Well, I'm going to actually stop right here. In a sweet spot. I'll get to other wheels later....
....or not
:)
Me
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Enough is Enough
I'm in my forties. Divorced. Single. I have a Tween child whom I shall call "Sunshine". I have an ex whom I shall call "Retro".
I apparently also have an unconditionally loving, universal friend called the Law of Attraction. I call it Lola, Law Of Loving Attraction, just 'cause it's kinda clever. To me.
I want to be happy.
Lately that hasn't been so easy.
But I beleive in my heart that it shouldn't be so hard either.
I came across the Lola a few years ago and was immediately and powerfully struck. Suddenly the world made such sense! I was moved, inspired! I grabbed hold of and sucked up all I could in books, tapes, CDs, movies, everything that I could get my hands on. I felt happy. I felt relief. The answers had finally come.
But....
Oh, but...
Practical application is a whole different ballgame, isn't it?
Certainly there were times, undeniable times when it was so so so clear. The most profound were the times when I "let go", when I had just pushed so hard I couldn't push any more and had to just let it all go. Then lo and behold, something would happen, something extraordinary. Something extraordinarily good. It was undeniable.
So, you'd think I could take this and run with it, right?
Nope. I'd fall right into old patterns again...whatever they were...and find myself slumped, or impatient or panicky or angry or all of the above at once.
So now...now I've gotten myself into a bit of a well...I'm not very happy. I lost it. I lost myself again. And in the process may lose my car, if not my house. The same house that I share with my mom who is subsidizing me as I try to bring in an income as a writer. "Retro" has become a total thorn in my side. I have gained weight and am not entirely comfortable with how my body feels. I harbor a fear of losing my looks as I am getting older and get scared that I will not be able to attract a nice mate.
The future has potential to be grim indeed.
But one thing I know is that the universe is an equal balance of what is wanted and what is not wanted. So, in other words, the future has potential to be grand too!
And that's what this blog is about.
I have grasped the idea of Lola and the universe and the fact that it is up to me to align with them and be happy. I have considered that no one else is responsible for my happiness but me and that it is my constant attention to negative observations and thoughts that keeps me from the love, joy and freedom that I want.
But do I truly believe it? Do I KNOW it? 'Cause that's the crux isn't it? That's the difference between happiness and unhappiness. To know it and live it or to sigh and think it's a great idea.
Well, this day I intend to find out. I want to be one of those happy flitty people over there who are living it. I want to be a believer. And what that means is...
I want it to work for me!
Damn it!
Ahem. The Happy Trek. My Search For Proof Amongst the Laws of the Universe.
I will be working with the teachings of Abraham-Hicks (AH), whom I have deemed is the Law of Attraction expert. And inspirational to boot, which is what I'm thinking I will need more than anything.
I want to be happy. Once and for all. And this, the Happy Trek shall be my inner voice along the way. I shall apply everything I can to the practice of the universal laws and search for proof in every second of my day. So, that in the end, it works for me.
The Happy Trek is my journey into happiness. Back into happiness.
To begin.
Well I know where I stand. At least on the negative side. But one of the first and most powerful things that AH says to do is 'make peace with where you are'.
So, today, this first day of my happy trek I am about to make peace with where I am.
Here goes:
Sure I'm living on credit cards and they are almost entirely maxed out, totalling tens of thousands of dollars but I do believe in and love my work and trust that when you do what you love the money will come. Further, when you do what you love, all good things come.
And by me continuing along this path I am able to continue to home school Sunshine, which is something we both love and enjoy. It also allows me to continue to write and sell my books. And if I hadn't sold so many books I wouldn't have found my agent. In New York no less! Okay, the amount of books sold didn't really affect her, but the confidence I had after selling so many books definitely allowed me to contact her.
This is hard. And I'm not sure if it's working. As I write this out I can hear the voices of commentors in my head saying "go get a day job, you bum" and "oh, yeah well I know a ton of people that maxed out their credit cards too and ended up losing everything they own! It doesn't work, loser and if it does, you just got lucky".
And so I find that as I'm writing this, I'm in defense mode. I'm trying to justify what I'm living, which according to AH is resistance and resistance is not in alignment and alignment is not allowing and not allowing is not on the path to joy and well being.
The point of my trek is to follow my bliss. And that means trusting that this choice of mine, this path I am on, that encompasses so many things that are important to me, will not only work but will prove to me that I really can have it all.
And I am willling to be my own guinea pig. Because I want that more than anything. Don't you? To be able to have it all.
And now I am hearing other voices "oh, you can have it all, you just have to work your ass off for it!", "No pain, no gain", "you can't always get what you want" and "You can't get something for nothing. lazy arse!"
But AH says you can. Lola says you can. And I'm willing to find that out for myself.
AH says the road to happiness is through your feelings. If you feel good, you are aligned with the universe. And when you are aligned with the universe, all good things come to you.
And so, dear voices, including my own, I say to you "I am happiest being at home with my little Sunshine, teaching her and appreciating her and waking up early to write in the mornings before she gets up. I am happiest in the freedom of being my own boss. I am happiest having time to manage my household and walk my dogs. I am happiest doing what I'm doing right now. This feels like the best choice to me. "
Man that felt good. So good. In fact I just realized that I had been harboring all those other negative thoughts for a loooooong time and, according to AH that is what keeps good things from you-thinking and feeling negatively.
Hmmm....
To continue. So I'm okay with living off credit cards right now. I'm okay that most of them are mom's because she says it's an investment and that it feels good to give to me when during most of our growing up she was unable to.
Hang on. This doesn't feel good. I'm not able to make peace with it as easily. I feel like I'm a free loader. Like I'm using her money to go after some stupid pipe dream. That I'm taking away from her long-awaited financial freedom.
This is when AH suggests a Focus Wheel. You write across the top of a page the thing that you DON'T want and in a circle in the middle of the page you write what you DO want. And then all around, like numbers on a clock you put circles. In these circles you write anything that makes you feel a bit better about it. It's all about how you feel.
So, here goes:
Well, I do know that it does make her feel good to give to me what she never could before.
Nope, not working. I'm going to go ask her.
Okay, just got back. She said she is still happy supporting me because she believes in my book and also because she thinks I am very close to success with it. This is admittedly true in that the manuscript has gone to an editor at Harper Collins. But that was in May and it is now September. I can't help but think that it has been my financial worry and guilt that has kept an appraisal and potential offer at bay.
According to AH, that is law. If I worry about money, Lola will bring me what I think about most....more worry about money. Money can't come to me if I'm predominantly feeling negatively about it.
So....it's not about mom, it's about making peace...with money.
Back to the Focus Wheel.
Top of page: Money is just not coming. We're running out.
Centre of page: I sooooo love the easy flow of lots of money to me.
1. I so love the feel of easy happy spending, the freedom and fun of it.
2. I love the feeling of paying bills off, the joy of it, the thankfulness and responsibility of it. I can't wait for the day when I will pay off each credit card...next...next :)
3. I love the freedom of spending on others with parties. The decorations, the great food and music. Splurging on a caterer or a fun, girls spa night.
4. I love, love, love paying ofr trips. Getting that flight reciept. The excitement. I love that!
5. I love being able to buy unique, fun and pretty things, especially for Christmas and Halloween and other holidays. I love dressing of the house with Sunshine!
6. I love the feeling of money flowing to me...the cheque coming in, putting it into my bank account.
7. I love making more money than I thought I would...like a big boost in pay. I love moving into a new, bigger pay bracket. It makes me feel excited and more accomplished.
8. I am so grateful that I have predominantly been able to still keep this house and live well, even if it's through credit cards. I'm grateful that I haven't suffered a lot of physical loss that would it harder to feel good about things.
9. I'm glad that mom is going to feel even more proud to have been a part of this book process and can't wait to pay off all our bills.
10. I am glad knowing that she is thrilled about the book and so believing in it and I can't wait to share the success with her.
11. I'm glad that she is a compliant force in this co-creation and getting as much out of it as I am.
12. I can't wail until we take that trip on the Queen Mary :)
13. I'm so grateful that Sunshine is experiencing this and will be able to apply it when she's out in the world.
14. I'm glad that this is all going to work out so splendidly.
15. I can't wait for the flow of money to return to me, the big, fat cheques, the buying of fun, great stuff. I love the flow of it. The give and take. The energy of it.
16. I love knowing that I am supporting so many creative people by buying their products and services.
17 I love the variety of goods and services we have access to. How lucky we are!
18. I love that my book will be wonderful fun for readers and can't wait for the onslaught of emails and lineups! I can't wait to share it! Can't wait!
Whew! That felt awesome!
So I didn't do anything to change my circumstances. I simply got myself feeling better about money when I think about it. I took my mind from the negative aspect of money and focussed on the positive aspect of it. According to AH that's all I need to do. Of course I know I have to maintain that feeling so that it becomes my dominant vibe. But that focus wheel really helped. I'd been feeling that lack so long that I forgot how great it felt when I had money coming in. And man it feels great! I love the feeling.
So, now I'm going to end this first blog. Right here. Feeling good.
Yes, there are other things to make peace with (Retro for one) but I will save them for tomorrow.
And in the meantime, as I make my way along this trek, I shall journal everything that happens. Everything.
AH says I will see evidence in the first day.
This is going to be fun.
signed,
me
I apparently also have an unconditionally loving, universal friend called the Law of Attraction. I call it Lola, Law Of Loving Attraction, just 'cause it's kinda clever. To me.
I want to be happy.
Lately that hasn't been so easy.
But I beleive in my heart that it shouldn't be so hard either.
I came across the Lola a few years ago and was immediately and powerfully struck. Suddenly the world made such sense! I was moved, inspired! I grabbed hold of and sucked up all I could in books, tapes, CDs, movies, everything that I could get my hands on. I felt happy. I felt relief. The answers had finally come.
But....
Oh, but...
Practical application is a whole different ballgame, isn't it?
Certainly there were times, undeniable times when it was so so so clear. The most profound were the times when I "let go", when I had just pushed so hard I couldn't push any more and had to just let it all go. Then lo and behold, something would happen, something extraordinary. Something extraordinarily good. It was undeniable.
So, you'd think I could take this and run with it, right?
Nope. I'd fall right into old patterns again...whatever they were...and find myself slumped, or impatient or panicky or angry or all of the above at once.
So now...now I've gotten myself into a bit of a well...I'm not very happy. I lost it. I lost myself again. And in the process may lose my car, if not my house. The same house that I share with my mom who is subsidizing me as I try to bring in an income as a writer. "Retro" has become a total thorn in my side. I have gained weight and am not entirely comfortable with how my body feels. I harbor a fear of losing my looks as I am getting older and get scared that I will not be able to attract a nice mate.
The future has potential to be grim indeed.
But one thing I know is that the universe is an equal balance of what is wanted and what is not wanted. So, in other words, the future has potential to be grand too!
And that's what this blog is about.
I have grasped the idea of Lola and the universe and the fact that it is up to me to align with them and be happy. I have considered that no one else is responsible for my happiness but me and that it is my constant attention to negative observations and thoughts that keeps me from the love, joy and freedom that I want.
But do I truly believe it? Do I KNOW it? 'Cause that's the crux isn't it? That's the difference between happiness and unhappiness. To know it and live it or to sigh and think it's a great idea.
Well, this day I intend to find out. I want to be one of those happy flitty people over there who are living it. I want to be a believer. And what that means is...
I want it to work for me!
Damn it!
Ahem. The Happy Trek. My Search For Proof Amongst the Laws of the Universe.
I will be working with the teachings of Abraham-Hicks (AH), whom I have deemed is the Law of Attraction expert. And inspirational to boot, which is what I'm thinking I will need more than anything.
I want to be happy. Once and for all. And this, the Happy Trek shall be my inner voice along the way. I shall apply everything I can to the practice of the universal laws and search for proof in every second of my day. So, that in the end, it works for me.
The Happy Trek is my journey into happiness. Back into happiness.
To begin.
Well I know where I stand. At least on the negative side. But one of the first and most powerful things that AH says to do is 'make peace with where you are'.
So, today, this first day of my happy trek I am about to make peace with where I am.
Here goes:
Sure I'm living on credit cards and they are almost entirely maxed out, totalling tens of thousands of dollars but I do believe in and love my work and trust that when you do what you love the money will come. Further, when you do what you love, all good things come.
And by me continuing along this path I am able to continue to home school Sunshine, which is something we both love and enjoy. It also allows me to continue to write and sell my books. And if I hadn't sold so many books I wouldn't have found my agent. In New York no less! Okay, the amount of books sold didn't really affect her, but the confidence I had after selling so many books definitely allowed me to contact her.
This is hard. And I'm not sure if it's working. As I write this out I can hear the voices of commentors in my head saying "go get a day job, you bum" and "oh, yeah well I know a ton of people that maxed out their credit cards too and ended up losing everything they own! It doesn't work, loser and if it does, you just got lucky".
And so I find that as I'm writing this, I'm in defense mode. I'm trying to justify what I'm living, which according to AH is resistance and resistance is not in alignment and alignment is not allowing and not allowing is not on the path to joy and well being.
The point of my trek is to follow my bliss. And that means trusting that this choice of mine, this path I am on, that encompasses so many things that are important to me, will not only work but will prove to me that I really can have it all.
And I am willling to be my own guinea pig. Because I want that more than anything. Don't you? To be able to have it all.
And now I am hearing other voices "oh, you can have it all, you just have to work your ass off for it!", "No pain, no gain", "you can't always get what you want" and "You can't get something for nothing. lazy arse!"
But AH says you can. Lola says you can. And I'm willing to find that out for myself.
AH says the road to happiness is through your feelings. If you feel good, you are aligned with the universe. And when you are aligned with the universe, all good things come to you.
And so, dear voices, including my own, I say to you "I am happiest being at home with my little Sunshine, teaching her and appreciating her and waking up early to write in the mornings before she gets up. I am happiest in the freedom of being my own boss. I am happiest having time to manage my household and walk my dogs. I am happiest doing what I'm doing right now. This feels like the best choice to me. "
Man that felt good. So good. In fact I just realized that I had been harboring all those other negative thoughts for a loooooong time and, according to AH that is what keeps good things from you-thinking and feeling negatively.
Hmmm....
To continue. So I'm okay with living off credit cards right now. I'm okay that most of them are mom's because she says it's an investment and that it feels good to give to me when during most of our growing up she was unable to.
Hang on. This doesn't feel good. I'm not able to make peace with it as easily. I feel like I'm a free loader. Like I'm using her money to go after some stupid pipe dream. That I'm taking away from her long-awaited financial freedom.
This is when AH suggests a Focus Wheel. You write across the top of a page the thing that you DON'T want and in a circle in the middle of the page you write what you DO want. And then all around, like numbers on a clock you put circles. In these circles you write anything that makes you feel a bit better about it. It's all about how you feel.
So, here goes:
Well, I do know that it does make her feel good to give to me what she never could before.
Nope, not working. I'm going to go ask her.
Okay, just got back. She said she is still happy supporting me because she believes in my book and also because she thinks I am very close to success with it. This is admittedly true in that the manuscript has gone to an editor at Harper Collins. But that was in May and it is now September. I can't help but think that it has been my financial worry and guilt that has kept an appraisal and potential offer at bay.
According to AH, that is law. If I worry about money, Lola will bring me what I think about most....more worry about money. Money can't come to me if I'm predominantly feeling negatively about it.
So....it's not about mom, it's about making peace...with money.
Back to the Focus Wheel.
Top of page: Money is just not coming. We're running out.
Centre of page: I sooooo love the easy flow of lots of money to me.
1. I so love the feel of easy happy spending, the freedom and fun of it.
2. I love the feeling of paying bills off, the joy of it, the thankfulness and responsibility of it. I can't wait for the day when I will pay off each credit card...next...next :)
3. I love the freedom of spending on others with parties. The decorations, the great food and music. Splurging on a caterer or a fun, girls spa night.
4. I love, love, love paying ofr trips. Getting that flight reciept. The excitement. I love that!
5. I love being able to buy unique, fun and pretty things, especially for Christmas and Halloween and other holidays. I love dressing of the house with Sunshine!
6. I love the feeling of money flowing to me...the cheque coming in, putting it into my bank account.
7. I love making more money than I thought I would...like a big boost in pay. I love moving into a new, bigger pay bracket. It makes me feel excited and more accomplished.
8. I am so grateful that I have predominantly been able to still keep this house and live well, even if it's through credit cards. I'm grateful that I haven't suffered a lot of physical loss that would it harder to feel good about things.
9. I'm glad that mom is going to feel even more proud to have been a part of this book process and can't wait to pay off all our bills.
10. I am glad knowing that she is thrilled about the book and so believing in it and I can't wait to share the success with her.
11. I'm glad that she is a compliant force in this co-creation and getting as much out of it as I am.
12. I can't wail until we take that trip on the Queen Mary :)
13. I'm so grateful that Sunshine is experiencing this and will be able to apply it when she's out in the world.
14. I'm glad that this is all going to work out so splendidly.
15. I can't wait for the flow of money to return to me, the big, fat cheques, the buying of fun, great stuff. I love the flow of it. The give and take. The energy of it.
16. I love knowing that I am supporting so many creative people by buying their products and services.
17 I love the variety of goods and services we have access to. How lucky we are!
18. I love that my book will be wonderful fun for readers and can't wait for the onslaught of emails and lineups! I can't wait to share it! Can't wait!
Whew! That felt awesome!
So I didn't do anything to change my circumstances. I simply got myself feeling better about money when I think about it. I took my mind from the negative aspect of money and focussed on the positive aspect of it. According to AH that's all I need to do. Of course I know I have to maintain that feeling so that it becomes my dominant vibe. But that focus wheel really helped. I'd been feeling that lack so long that I forgot how great it felt when I had money coming in. And man it feels great! I love the feeling.
So, now I'm going to end this first blog. Right here. Feeling good.
Yes, there are other things to make peace with (Retro for one) but I will save them for tomorrow.
And in the meantime, as I make my way along this trek, I shall journal everything that happens. Everything.
AH says I will see evidence in the first day.
This is going to be fun.
signed,
me
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